


threads, barely-there

by asdfgjkl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 17:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asdfgjkl/pseuds/asdfgjkl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi suffers because of his depression. Eren suffers because Levi suffers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	threads, barely-there

There was only one place to frequent to find Levi, and that was the roof. He was always up there – smoking the occasional cigarette and boring his eyes through the sky with a significant look on his face, one that Eren never quite understood. The man had even set up a bench on the roof just so he could indulge himself in his love for sky-gazing.

The door to the roof swung open and revealed a disheveled Eren – hair still uncombed and shirt creased like there was no tomorrow. An adoring smile popped on the corner of his lips as he saw that, indeed, Levi was hanging out on the roof.

Eren approached the older man, blanket in tow.

"You'll catch a cold like that," Eren murmured when he was within hearing distance.

Only silence replied him, but he was used to that by now. Instead of getting upset by the lack of response, Eren sat himself down beside Levi and wrapped the both of them in the blanket Levi had so kindly provided him with.

"Thanks for this," Eren gestured at the blanket.

(For the briefest second, Levi turned to look at him. He seemed confused, though Eren couldn't figure out why. Who would've been responsible for the blanket if not Levi?

Instead, he chose to focus on the intensity of Levi's gaze and how he never spared any unnecessary glances (he sometimes didn't bother sparing necessary ones as well – although whether this was a question of not caring or ignorance as a consequence of his condition, Eren didn't know) but when he did, his eyes would narrow and zoom in on you and for the tiniest moment, he would make you feel like his whole world was composed solely of you.

Eren had long since decided it was a good feeling).

 

**one.**

Eren part-timed in a real-estate agency in his college years. It was how he met Levi – the manager of the branch's best marketing team. Not that it was a big branch to start with, but he was apparently really good even compared to teams from outside their vicinity.

He was actually a Business major, but he chose to work full-time in the agency after graduation instead of pursuing a career in his own field of study because he figured it would be easier to master something he had already been doing for two years. Of course, he received an upgrade in his base salary and rank. Although, Eren considered him being assigned to Levi's team the best upgrade by far.

In their company, everyone divided the fees they earned equally with the members of their team. Therefore, it was vital for one to join a good team.

Because one didn't get to make the choice of whose team to join by oneself, Eren was glad he was stuck with Levi.

The older man lived up to his reputation – in both good and bad ways. On one hand, he was strict and unforgiving and grumpy and foul-mouthed and had merciless expectations for his people. But on the other hand, he was also godlier than Eren had thought he would be. Levi was capable and quick-thinking and a tactician.

What mattered the most to Eren, though, was how Levi would let his subordinates off while still allowing them a share of the fees if he knew that they were having a really shitty day and how, sometimes after work, Levi would join the guys (and sometimes even Petra) for a drink and although he would mostly be sulking in one corner, nobody could deny that he always tried his best to converse with everyone to get to know them better.

A lot more things made up Levi, but the one trait that impressed Eren the most, professionally, was Levi's ability to lure clients in without sweet-talking them. He laid the facts down and more often than not, intimidated them to purchase or rent the property, but for some reasons his way worked. It wasn't like he was consistently employee of the month, sales-wise. After all, Levi wasn't in this to market – he was here to manage things behind-the-scenes. And manage he did. But even then, there were times when his charm outshone Petra's petite feminineness and Auruo's flattery.

Long story short, Eren respected Levi. He might possibly like Levi too because he was so much more than his façade. Erd chuckled when Eren told him about what he thought of Levi. He then told the younger boy about how everyone else had come to terms with their own twisted liking for Levi, so he expected Eren to be able to do the same enough.

Eren could only laugh.

 

**three.**

Of course, that was all a matter of the past – the present Levi wasn't quite like that.

Eren had been working full-time in the agency for about a year and a half when it happened. One moment Levi was fine – that being his usual, shit-joke cracking self. The next, he was spiraling into a state of mental instability.

 

**two.**

It was black.

_What was?_

Everything was black.

Levi stood, amongst others, all black, in the midst of a pretty little place full of protruding grave-markers. The guests were silent. There was someone on an expensive-looking podium, giving a speech. He drawled on about bravery and intelligence and other shit.

There were places Levi would rather be and things he would rather be doing and everything was fucking black and he did not want to immerse himself with black even though he was already painted black, head to toe, inside and out, and he wanted  _out_  and he hated black, hated the stupid color, hated the fact that Erwin used to tease him about how pretty his hair was because of its blackness.

Levi should be up there, on the podium, instead of that man. He had no fucking clue who that man was. A priest? Levi was the one who slept with Erwin, not the goddamn priest.  _Levi_  was the one Erwin told his secrets to and held in his arms like something precious and fragile and- Levi balled his fists, nails digging crescent-shaped marks into his palms- loved, not the priest. Levi was the one who told Erwin the three godforsaken words he had sworn he would never utter again, not the priest. Levi was the one who heard Erwin's reply to those words. Levi was Erwin's- his nails drew blood, crimson blossoming on the sheet of black- and Erwin was Levi's, not the man. So why wasn't Levi the one giving a speech?

Because he didn't want to. He refused and when they threatened to force a eulogy out of him, he threatened to skip the funeral entirely and the looks on their fucking faces when Levi suggested skipping – it would've been funny in another time.

Well, Levi knew Erwin would understand if he skipped. He would sigh and give him a long, weary look before pulling Levi into his embrace. He might even find it funny – Levi could see it, Erwin chuckling to himself as he shook his head, muttering idiotic things like, " _I'd be surprised if you came"_ , or whatever sort of genius shit his oversized brain could spew out.

Levi would definitely visit later, though. That is, if he had bailed on the actual ceremony (oh, the irony of calling it a fucking  _ceremony_ , like Erwin's death was an event he should throw ceremonies for). When everybody left, he would sneak into the graveyard and stare at Erwin's resting place, lips pressed into a thin line. He might bring flowers – yes, he would – and convince himself the flowers didn't mean anything to him and he was only doing it to indulge the sappy old man in his fancifully romantic dreams for one last time. And then, he would drop to his knees and hold his face in his own hands as tears poured out – not for the first time, but for the first time in Erwin's presence – because nobody's hands were there to hold him now. He wouldn't talk to the dead – he wasn't  _that_ desperate – but he would stare at the grave and have mental conversations with Erwin. Levi knew him well enough to predict his replies, anyway.

That was still what he planned to do, when the crowd dispersed and the high school friends Erwin hadn't seen in twenty years left along with the distant cousins he wouldn't even have known existed. Levi knew he shouldn't be selfish; he should be helping Erwin's family with the proceedings. Or at least, try to help by ushering the guests in and out and shaking hands and accepting condolences like he needed any of that shit.

Like condolences could bring Erwin back.

He knew Erwin would've disapproved of his attitude – would've wanted Levi to treat his family better, mainly so that his family would gain a better impression of the boyfriend their son abandoned his perfectly planned-out life for.

It was always like that – Erwin chiding Levi for doing something he wasn't supposed to even though it benefited Levi and had no relation whatsoever to Erwin.

Well, Levi had always been the more ignorant one between them. Someone had to be, right?

Eventually, even Erwin's family left (not before sending scathing glances at the gloomy, anti-social boyfriend willingly isolating himself from everybody else) and Levi was left to his own devices. He took a breath, not dramatically deeper than the last or the one after – just a normal breath. And then he exhaled. Thoughts were going through his mind so quickly that they seemed sluggish.

Then, he was on the ground, kneeling, and he should never have needed anyone. He was independent. He was a lone wolf. He was the master of loneliness and emotional detachment. He was  _Levi_ , for crying out loud.

He never should have yearned for Erwin's presence – whether it was a bit of it or a lot of it or the whole of it.

He should not have been crying too.

Levi should not be bawling, crying aloud, shouting and telling Erwin everything from how his life had been since Erwin left and how quiet their house was without anyone for Levi to scold for not taking their dirty socks off before climbing into bed or for allowing the laundry to pile up. He shouldn't be telling Erwin everything, like they used to do to each other, even until a few days ago. Levi also shouldn't be telling Erwin he was sorry for forgetting the flowers because he knew how much of a sucker Erwin was for those things.

(Though, in truth, Levi was probably sorrier for himself than Erwin. Here was his final chance to provide Erwin with the smallest fraction of happiness and here he was, wasting it grandly).

That day, people were black and Levi was black and Erwin wore black and his coffin was black and everything was black but the sky was blue and Levi's palms sported scarlet wounds and Erwin's family finally understood why their son would drop everything for the scrawny-looking boy named Levi who possessed more strength and love than his physical form could ever contain.

 

**three.**

Not long afterwards, Levi quit his job.

Not because he was lazy or unmotivated, but because he was honestly unable to work anymore. He had lost all will.

It wasn't like him at all, to stop soldiering on and braving the harsh reality. But something about Erwin just seemed to rob the element of apathy away from him.

Because Levi was a fair superior, almost everyone in the office held at least an inkling of respect for him. It was precisely for this reason that Levi was the main subject of attention and concern for the few months after he resigned.

His boss refused his resignation and waved his absence off as Levi being on paid leave instead. Naturally, everyone had their limits and even though Levi was a spectacular employee, the company couldn't afford to keep sending him free cash and so the money stopped flowing in on the fifth month. Levi reasoned it was better than nothing – he had never assumed he would be receiving a five month bonus, after all.

In other words, after five months of having to deal with his boss' unpersuasive pleas for him to come back, he was finally able to get the guy off his back.

However, as with all situations, there would always be people who tried harder than others.

He still had difficulties getting rid of five people who had endearingly referred to themselves as Team Levi.

**

Levi's kitchen used to be furnished with wooden cabinets and wooden counters and wooden drawers. Tableware filled up the drawers while plates and glasses took up space in the cabinets. The counter was for eating. There was also a sizeable fridge in the corner, for storage of all the leftover food and take-outs he would order on a regular basis.

Levi's kitchen was in an extremely different condition right now. The placing and contents of the cabinets, counters and drawers had remained the same, but instead of wood, everything had turned into chrome.

In truth, Levi hated cooking because it got his hands dirty and he had to wash the germs off both the vegetables and his hands and the dirty dishes and pots and pans were unbearable. But Erwin had a soft spot for leisure cooking and, well, Levi was fine with it as long as Erwin was responsible for keeping everything clean because then he had nothing to lose  _and_  he got good food in return.

Levi's kitchen used to be occupied by only one person – blonde and male, the crinkles in the corner of his eyes that had recently started to surface finally physically displaying the years he had on Levi.

Levi's kitchen wasn't always so bubbly and full of life – with five or so people milling about and cooking up a feast Levi was sure would last him a million years.

Levi's kitchen, the shitty and expensive chrome island, used to belong to only Erwin.

**

To be honest, Levi had no idea why Friday night dinners had become a sort of tradition for them. Petra, Gunther, Erd, Auruo and that brat would head over to Levi's house right after work and welcome themselves inside before busying themselves in the kitchen and unpacking loads of groceries – the sheer amount making Levi's head spin because where would they throw all the peeled-off skin and how would they handle all the dirty dishes?

But here he was, sitting around a table with the lot of them after dinner, maybe even participating in conversation, after declaring confident promises, albeit to himself, that he would throw them out as soon as possible.

"Heichou," Petra teased and Levi cringed inwardly at the nickname they had bestowed upon him due to his "inhuman managerial skills", or so they said. "Are you spacing out again?"

"No, I'm actually paying careful attention to everything you shits are talking about."

They laughed.

"I always knew you secretly loved us, Heichou," Eren said with a boyish grin adorning his face.

Levi scoffed and chose to turn back to his tea, picking up the dainty china before him and enjoying the rich liquid in little sips.

"Are you ignoring us again, Levi?"

"Don't ignore us!"

"Shut up, will you," he groaned from behind the defense of his cup. "And stop acting like brats while you're at it."

Eren, whose smile had never left his face, spoke up again, "But I'm allowed to, right? I'm at least ten years younger than all of you."

"Excuse me!" Petra cried indignantly. "I'm only three years older than you."

The boy's hand froze mid-air. He put the fork on his plate (he was still eating even after everyone else had moaned about how full they were because he had an insatiable appetite) and said, "No," all wide-eyed.

"Yes!"

"No!" he rebutted. "I always thought you were younger than me!"

**

The dinners continued weekly but it wasn't until a while later that Eren had the courage to tell Levi what he had been too dense to figure out but finally did a few months ago, when the dinners started and their boss had stopped bitching for Levi to come back.

The reason for Eren's sudden enlightenment was because, after their very first group dinner, Eren had been put in charge of washing the dishes. Obviously, there were a lot of dishes so everybody had left by the time he was finished.

Eren knew people who would turn on the television to fill the emptiness of the house, but Levi was decidedly not that kind of person because the house was literally still – definitely way too still for Eren – after Eren had turned the tap off and stopped the flow of running water. It was a stark contrast from the animated dining room from before.

He wanted to look for the older man to bid him goodbye, so he could actually get on with getting home. Unfortunately, Levi was nowhere to be found and the one place he hadn't checked yet was the bedroom. Eren felt uneasy about entering Levi's bedroom because it was an invasion of personal space but time wasn't waiting for him and he really needed to bath and sleep.

He climbed up a relatively wide staircase and knocked on a closed door, one which Eren presumed to lead to Levi's bedroom. There was no response from within.

Eren was about to give up all hope and just leave a note when he heard light footsteps from behind him. With his back turned, it was pretty easy to mistake Levi for a child and not a grown man in his mid-thirties. Eren thought Levi must have pretty small feet.

"Sir- I mean, Levi," he smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head as Levi glared him down. It's been months and yet that stupid brat was still accustomed to calling him 'Sir', Levi thought, not knowing whether to be annoyed or amused. "I'm done with the dishes, so, um-"

"Bye."

"Y-yeah! Bye. Goodnight Levi, Sir."

Then, just as the younger boy was about to walk down the stairs, he caught a glimpse of Levi's eyes – bloodshot and red-rimmed. Concerned was an understatement.

"You haven't been getting enough sleep, have you?" He accused.

"Wherever could you have gotten  _that_  idea from?"

"Levi-"

"Eren."

He hadn't even been exposed to it for a minute and Eren already hated playful Levi. At least with the normal Levi, one knew the proper response was to cower in fear. But it was impossible to cower in fear and mock someone at the same time, and Levi knew this, if the smug expression on his face was anything to go by. Well, at least, Eren interpreted the comfortable, minute smirk as  _smug_.

"Seriously, Levi."

"Shut up, you brat. I may not sleep like a fucking pig, but yes, I do get my hours."

"Then why-," a pause. "Have- I mean- Sir, no, Levi- Have you been crying?" Eren squawked.

If Levi was even a bit of an eye-roller, he would've rolled his eyes right then and there.

His next words were softer though, as if, maybe, he was kind of impressed that Eren had enough IQ to at least figure that out.

"Go home," he said.

And as Eren walked past businessmen and businesswomen and friends and couples and people, the rain a light drizzle on his hair, just teasing him, he knew he wanted to be there for Levi the next time he cried.

**

After that incident, Eren made it a point to stay back later than everybody else after their meals. He knew now, where Levi hung out when he was alone – the roof. He tried asking Levi why that was so – did he simply enjoy the fresh air or did he feel like the inside of his house was too stifling or was it because of an emotional attachment with the place or- the older man gave him a look and Eren knew to close his mouth.

At first, Levi would keep Eren entertained by spouting out riddled answers every now and then. However, as time wore on, Levi became less and less talkative but more and more distant. Even though Eren understood that this was due to the worsening of Levi's condition, that knowledge did nothing to stop him from wanting to preserve the more responsive Levi.

Then again, it wasn't entirely a bad thing because with the change in attitude came a change in their topic of conversation. Even though Levi talked less, he initiated a lot more conversations now. And, he would talk about things from his past – mostly about work and the few friends he made and sometimes, when the mood felt right, about Erwin.

The younger boy sat there and listened, inputting his own comments when needed. But mostly, he just glanced at the grey cement they were sitting on and noticed the slashes of white on the ground, where the friction had been the roughest and then turned to look at the maroon-colored bricks making up the actual roof and counted how many steps it would take for him to walk from one side of the rooftop to the other while his mind created pictures for the tales Levi was weaving. Eren didn't mind sitting there and being a listener for Levi – he could listen to everything the man had to say and he would still crave for more.

Once, he told Eren about how he first landed the job in the agency and how Erwin was head when he first started out and that was how they met and Eren accidently slipped out a chuckle and a, "Well, guess the agency really  _is_  a matchmaker, huh?" before he was met with pressing silence.

"Meaning?"

"Well, it did help Auruo and Petra get together too," Eren said as he scrambled for an explanation.

Clearly, Levi wasn't buying that.

Eren tried naming a few more couples but they were all met with a lazy stare.

"Fine," Eren said at last. "It's just that, well, I think I like you, Levi? No, I don't  _think_  I do – I really do, but I never actually wanted to tell you because I know it's stupid and it's one-sided and I don't want to feel like I'm burdening you with unnecessary things and-"

"You already are."

"Yeah, and, I- wait, what?"

"Burdening me with unnecessary things? You're already doing that – shamelessly forcing your company onto me every Friday night."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't-"

He was one again cut off, this time by Levi's stare.

"Oh, it was a joke," a weak laugh. "Okay, sorry."

"Stop fucking apologizing."

There was silence and then there was Levi picking up from where he left off about Erwin and Eren had considered worse scenarios so he thought maybe this was alright, Levi acknowledging his feelings but not acting upon it.

When he left that night, Levi lingered in the doorway for longer than necessary until finally, with an exasperated sigh, he called out for Eren to wait and went back inside. He turned up with a scarf, which he unceremoniously threw to Eren and when Eren held the object up, questioningly, Levi scowled and said, "It's cold outside."

Eren, the goddamn brat, fucking beamed and said his thanks and it was all Levi could do to not snatch the article of clothing back.

He turned to leave, for good this time, when Levi's voice caused him to halt, "And stop with your ridiculous crush."

There was no actual malice behind it, even though Levi practically growled the words out.

"That's an order."

"Yes- Yes, Sir!"

Eren could think about his (nicely-termed) 'ridiculous crush' later – all he knew now was that he was never giving this scarf back.

 

**four.**

Levi hated the mess in his living room. The boys were trying to set up a Christmas tree while Petra and her love-sick boyfriend were in the kitchen preparing the food.

The boys were failing superbly.

Team Levi had a one week leave for Christmas, which was on a Wednesday. Which was why, instead of dinner with Levi on a Friday, they moved it to Tuesday.

Levi's square-shaped living room was quite spacious. On the west wall was his front door. Eren's beloved television was nailed onto the north wall, facing Eren's second most beloved furniture – the couch. The boys were currently stuck in a corner, beside the television, debating on where they should hang a star.

"Oi, Jaeger," Auruo said, suddenly appearing from the kitchen, "stars," he plucked the ornament out of Eren's hands, "should go on the tip of the tree."

"Which was exactly what I've been saying all this time!" Erd cried in frustration.

"But it looks weird!"

Auruo ignored the squabbling boys and climbed the ladder himself, placing the star on top.

"There."

Eren paused in his animated conversation with Erd to look at what Auruo had done. He groaned.

"I hate you all."

**

Dinner, like everything else with Team Levi, was festive. Petra and Auruo (supposedly it was only Petra because Auruo was too busy sputtering and staring to do any actual work) cooked up a storm – literally, and not in a messy storm kind of way. Seconds and thirds and even fourths, in the case of a certain brat, were served to everyone, except for Levi.

"I'm full," was all he said after picking at his first round.

Eren gave him a look, like sadness and worry and concern and all the feelings he needn't anyone feel for him mixed in one, and he found it annoying. He didn't need to be coddled – didn't want to be. Erwin was enough.

They played cards afterwards. Everyone sat around the glass table in the living room and Erd, being the 'huge, annoying, show-off he is' – that is, according to Eren – offered to shuffle.

In the end, even Eren couldn't deny that he was impressed.

**

"Bye, Heichou!" The squad called out, gathered in the doorway.

Levi grunted, impatiently preparing to smack the door in their faces.

"Guys! Wait up, wait up!"

The brunette stumbled out of the kitchen, all limbs and unbalanced motion.

He nodded Levi a goodbye, with his usual gleeful countenance and was about to join the other four, who were already walking away, when he felt something tug on his arm.

Eren looked back and found Levi's fingers pulling at his shirt. He gave the older man an inquisitive look, to which Levi responded by raising an eyebrow and asking, "Not gonna bug me tonight?"

Eren's eyes looked like frying pans. Huge ones.

"You- I- I-," he stuttered.

Levi's eyebrow was still arched smoothly.

"Guys, I think I'm gonna-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence. Petra turned around, a sagacious smile on her face, and cut him off, "Of course. See you in a few days!"

"Um, yeah. You too. Bye!"

The guys hummed their acknowledgments as Petra twirled back around.

**

He took a deep breath and allowed everything to settle in. The stars blinked in and out of view as he focused his gaze on different patches of the sky. For the first time in the longest time, he was wrapped with warmth, from the inside out. It felt very comfortable.

He leaned into the body beside him and breathed in once more. This time, he breathed in more than fresh air and starry dreams and wistful happiness. An intoxicating scent, like the smell of distilled water with a metallic tinge, penetrated his senses.

The light from a lamp post lining the streets quivered.

Their hearts burned with quiet intensity.

In that moment, Eren understood why he still held on to a seemingly impossible, and not to mention ridiculous, crush.

He felt giddy. He felt like a thousand fireworks were combusting spontaneously within him and sunflowers were finally blooming because his sun was finally present and he felt like, maybe he had a chance at being Levi's, and he felt the flesh beside him, so very solid and so very  _real_  and he felt happy.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, brat."

Eren chuckled, watching as Levi pulled away slightly, fumbling for something in his pocket. His hand turned up with a lighter and a packet of cigarettes.

Levi started smoking and Eren was transfixed with the way Levi's chest would seem to press inward when he took a particularly long drag and how he would purse his lips, just slightly, when exhaling the smoke through his mouth.

"You confessed the last time we were here," Levi stated casually.

Immediately, the giddiness was replaced by embarrassment. Eren's blush was a huge giveaway in regards to his opinion on Levi's subject of choice.

Disbelief dawned on Levi's face. He had thought the boy would be over that ridiculous crush by now.

"You stupid brat," he mused aloud. "I'm ten years your senior, I'm not financially capable, I'm emotionally unstable. What the fuck do you see in me?"

"Maybe I'm just attracted to broken things, Levi, Sir."

"Shut up with your poetic bullshit."

Eren wanted to say something, but he didn't know what, so he kept quiet.

"I asked you a question," Levi prodded.

"I don't know, Levi," a sigh. "It's just – you've always been there for me when I started work. I'm stupid and I ask and do stupid things more often than not, but you're willing to work through everything with me and then when I'm a full-fledge agent you actually chose to have me in your team and I mean, why the hell would anyone do that?"

"Good question," Levi said, fully serious.

"I-"

"So, it's really more of a hero complex and not a crush."

"No, no! Well, at first, yes. But then, there was dinner and you started kind of opening up and it just kind of grew."

"So, when you said you liked me, you were actually professing your obsession with me as a heroic figure?"

"Maybe. I don't know! Why are you so intent on asking me these questions?"

"Because your feelings don't compute, Eren."

"They don't need to!" Eren cried, combing his fingers through his hair in frustration. " _I_  don't know why I would like someone as sarcastic and crude and mean as you are, but I know feelings have nothing to do with age and money and- well, emotional stability, that's something we'll just have to work through."

Levi scoffed, "You? Help me through?"

Eren blushed, "I don't mean to sound pretentious, but I would try my best to salvage your sardonic nature and creative cusses and your strangely abundant wealth of care and compassion and, I don't know, maybe even love."

The older man looked away, smoking, as an excuse to not answer Eren.

Silvery threads of smoke curled out of the end of the cigarette. Eren faced away from Levi and started counting the leaves on a tree. It was dark, and the lamps were wheezing, so he didn't get very far before Levi started talking again.

"That wealth of shit you were talking about."

"Yeah?"

"You know you're not inheriting any of it, right?"

"And here I thought you weren't into 'poetic shit'," Eren gave a short laugh as he stood up and dusted his pants, preparing to leave.

He had actually planned to stay longer, but that didn't seem ideal now. Well, if there was anything his job had taught him, it was to be flexible and adaptable at all times.

"Don't worry, I figured. After all, I couldn't possibly inherit something that was already given away."

And with that, the boy left. He was crying as he reached the stairs and a small noise that may have been a whimper managed to escape his lips as he locked the gate behind him. He didn't wipe his eyes until he was sure he's out of sight because he knew Levi could see him from above.

He dropped by a convenience store before going home, purchasing a six-pack, so he could drink himself to sleep.

Levi was left alone, smoking and allowing his thoughts to run loose.

Except, he didn't feel lonely, because Erwin was there.

 

**five.**

Levi eyed the brunette, shamelessly lounging on his sofa as he mindlessly flipped through channels. A feeling spiked through the older man's chest at seeing Eren looking so relaxed. Levi couldn't quite place his finger on it, but it felt like- resentment.

Maybe he was jealous of Eren, for being able to act in such a carefree manner, or maybe he was jealous because Eren still had somebody to love (even though that someone was him), while he had lost the one person who mattered most.

Whichever one it was, Levi suppressed the illogical feeling because it was, well, illogical. He shouldn't be angered by the shitty brat's actions – it was up to him to do whatever he wanted to do with his free time, even if it meant hanging out in Levi's house for more hours than what was probably healthy. Levi didn't mind as long as Eren stayed in his own private space and didn't bother him.

Well, it wasn't like a lot of things bothered Levi these days. Sometimes, he would feel irrational agitation sweeping over him and for a second or two he would be overtaken by a strong impulse to smash or punch something – usually Eren's face due to the boy's proximity.

Which was why Levi wouldn't suggest spending too much time near him. But the boy wouldn't listen, no matter how many times he told him to stay off his fucking grounds.

Those urges were easily repressed, though, and it was only a matter of time before Levi felt fine again. Then, he would go back to imagining how it would feel like to cuddle up next to Erwin in bed once more while pretending he wasn't interested in stupid shit like cuddling, and dreaming about his soft caresses and playful touches. He now regretted glowering and moving away whenever Erwin tried to do that.

He would usually stop the line of thought when he started listing regrets. There were more than he could ever keep track of, both physically and mentally because Levi knew he would go crazy thinking about Erwin. Actually, one of these days, he just might.

For some reasons, today the interval between each wave of irritation grew increasingly shorter, compared to any other day. A part of him was apprehensive, afraid he might lash out at the boy even though he did nothing wrong. Another part of him said 'fuck it, it was the brat's own fault for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.'

He tried to calm himself by thinking of Erwin instead of Eren and how the boy was eating on the couch and not at the dining table and how food crumbs were probably littered all over the floor and oh god- Erwin, Erwin, Erwin, Erwin.

He felt minutely better. He noticed the plate of lunch Eren had prepared still sitting before him, on the fucking chrome counter. It was still warm and occasionally a few wisps of steam would ascend. It was annoying how the boy cared so much for him, really. It was annoying how Eren felt the need to babysit Levi and force him to eat when he clearly wasn't hungry.

And no, not in an annoyingly cute way.

**

"Levi, you didn't even touch your lunch," Eren scolded jokingly.

The older man closed his eyes and gritted his teeth and opted to not react because he knew if he was even a bit lenient on his self control right now, he would burst and give Eren the lecture of his life.

"You okay?" Worry crept into his voice.

It wasn't that he minded lecturing Eren – far from it. The boy could use some discipline. He was only afraid he might say words he didn't mean and inevitably hurt Eren in the process of fixing himself. The boy might not be Erwin, but Levi could see how hard he was trying and it was difficult to completely shut himself off from someone as tenacious as this brat.

Therefore, after he internally proclaimed himself as the greater man, Levi exhaled and walked away.

**

More than a year had passed since Erwin's death. Instead of recovering, Levi seemed to be falling deeper into depression each day.

Eren thought Levi's condition should be referred to as 'Anger' instead of 'Depression' because anger was basically what the man was prone to now. Yes, he was depressed all the time, but he didn't express his depression in ways that expressed sadness. He would throw fits of rage at the littlest things. Although it was rare, sometimes Levi's silly tantrums riled Eren up in just the right way. Not because he was particularly annoyed by Levi's attitude but because sometimes it seemed to Eren like Levi was doing it just to spite him.

He understood why Levi's only emotions were anger and sadness. He understood why Levi acted the way he did. What he didn't understand was what he had done to deserve such hate from Levi and why Levi would want him out of his life so badly.

The clock struck five a few minutes ago and Eren was just packing up his things, getting ready to leave the office, when he saw the rest of his team approach him. Something in him, probably primal instincts, warned him about how they seemed to be cornering him, but Eren pushed that stupid thought aside.

"Hey guys."

"Eren, we need to talk," Erd said.

"We're already talking," Eren attempted humor, but it clearly wasn't funny because nobody was laughing along with him. "Okay, what's wrong?"

"You're moving in today, right?"

_Oh. That._

"Yeah, but I mean, it's not like it's that much of a big deal. I pretty much already live there, anyway."

"Eren," Petra started hesitantly, as if unsure how to phrase her words. "You- you're not doing this for us, are you?"

It was quiet.

"Huh?" was all Eren managed.

"Moving in. Are you moving in on our behalf? Because you shouldn't, not for the wrong reasons," Auruo cut in. Eren could tell how dire the situation was just by the fact that Auruo interrupted Petra.

"What are you guys even-," Eren shook his head and groaned, a drawn out sound. "No, of course not. I'm moving in because I'm worried for Levi – he's been getting moodier all the time now and he barely eats and sleeps if there's no one around to pester him to, you know? He basically doesn't do anything but stare off into space anymore!"

Eren could feel the frustration building up within him even as he desperately willed for it to quell.

"Sorry for dumping it all on you," Petra said and paused to bit her lip before continuing, "Levi has done so much more for all of us and yet we're shirking on our responsibilities when it really matters."

"Jesus. Guys, stop feeling guilty. I'm doing this because I want to do it, not because I owe Levi or anything. Not that I'm saying that's why you guys care for him," Eren quickly added when he saw the guys narrowing their eyes, "but I'm willing, okay? So, you guys can stop fretting over it and thinking of Levi as a 'responsibility' now. He just needs time. I'm sure- I'm sure someday he'll get over this phase."

The four of them exchanged a look.

" _Why_  do you want to do this, Eren?" Petra asked.

Eren opened his mouth to reply but closed it again, as if he thought better. He gave them a smile.

"I wonder."

They couldn't help but notice how his smile held more sadness than it did happiness.

**

Levi hadn't brought up the issue of Eren's 'ridiculous crush' since the last time. Eren didn't know how to react to this because his affections were blatantly obvious to anyone who was even paying a shred of attention. It wasn't as if he got very physical with Levi but the fact that he stayed with Levi through everything should speak for something, right?

He was confused as to whether or not he should bring the subject up again. Like he said, he didn't want to cause Levi any more troubles but what was he going to say or do even if he brought it up with Levi? It wasn't as if Levi hadn't made it clear enough what he thought of Eren's feelings last time, anyway.

And then there was the question of Levi's worsening temperament. He didn't even want to consider how agitated Levi would get if Eren mentioned his 'ridiculous crush'. It seemed ridiculous to keep on referring to it as his 'ridiculous crush', but Levi started it, so whatever.

Eren pushed open Levi's front door, duffel bag in hand, not surprised to find it unlocked.

"Levi?" he called out.

As usual, he was greeted only by silence, although this time a hush of footsteps followed.

"Hey," Eren said when Levi appeared, a grin plastered onto his face.

"What's that?" Levi pointed at the bag.

"Oh, this? Just some clothes."

"What do you need clothes for?"

Eren laughed, short and abrupt and forced, "Well, in case you haven't noticed, I have been sleeping over quite a lot recently."

Levi's jaw-line hardened, "Are you moving in?"

"Aren't I already a temporary resident, anyway?" Eren said cheerfully, still trying to ease the tension.

"You were going to move in to  _my_  house, and you didn't even think to consult me?"

"Levi-"

"What the fuck, Eren? Just because I'm going insane doesn't mean it's your fucking call to move in with me. What, did you think my tolerating you is an invitation for us to live together?"

Eren's chest felt tight. It felt like several springs, all tangled up, getting compressed. He suddenly recalled an experiment he did in Physics class. It involved springs. He hated Physics.

He understood why Levi was mad. Of course, he should've asked Levi first, but the older man was only present in body most of the times and wouldn't respond to his questions. Anyway, it wasn't like moving in was a huge dash from their current predicament – Eren stayed with Levi for almost every day now. He would return as quickly as possible from work because, well, he didn't want to think about what would happen to Levi if he didn't – the man didn't do anything but bathe and stare into space anymore.

In other words, although Eren's actions might be questionable, his intentions were noble.

"Okay, okay. I'll just drop by every other time, okay? After all, you can't deny that you need-"

And Levi snapped .The tiger that had been positioning itself into a perfect attack stance all these months was finally given a chance to pounce.

"Shut up. Get out. I don't want to see your fucking face again. I don't want to hear from you and I most certainly do not want you to show up with lunch and threaten to spoon-feed me and send me to bed in my own goddamn house and do a shit job washing the dishes and keep the television on without actually watching it and-"

This time, Levi was the one who got his sentence interrupted because Eren had shoved the man into his embrace, effectively muffling his voice. Honestly, the younger boy was this close to yelling back and leaving and just giving up because, goddamn it, everyone had their limits and Eren might care for Levi, so much more than the average person did, but even he wasn't Jesus – his patience gauge was filled to the brim.

The only thing that stopped him from walking away for good was probably the wetness seeping into his shirt.

**

Levi didn't know which was worse – how Eren shared similarities with Erwin in that they both forced him to eat and sleep and do shit he couldn't be bothered with or how Eren was so different from Erwin in that Levi's lover (not past, always present), although he was lazy, always cleaned everything to a pristine, glistening shade of white when he actually did his chores and never ever touched the television and always sat on his beloved chrome counter to eat dinner with Levi. This brat, on the other hand, was diligent, but always fell short of Levi's expectations in terms of cleaning and had an irritating habit of watching the television as he ate on the couch and leaving it on even if he was in another part of the house. Why the hell anyone would want to create redundant noise, Levi could never comprehend.

He knew what was worst, though – him being enveloped in this little shit's arms. But for some stupid and probably shitty reason, Levi couldn't find it in him to pull away.

They stayed like that for a while.

**

"Should I leave then?" Eren muttered when Levi had calmed down.

He shook his head, and there were no pretenses – no cussing or tough fronts to protect his pride. There was only Levi, stripped down and raw (eyes equally raw), clutching Eren's sleeve and whispering, "Stay."

 

**six.**

"What are you holding on to?" Jean asked seriously, completely devoid of his usual element of irk. "Frayed ends?"

Eren heard him, but at the same time, he didn't. As much as he appreciated Jean's attempt at being a good and considerate friend, he wasn't in the mood – was never in the mood – to face a lecture. From anyone. Ever. Period.

He knew that his friends meant well, but he was 24 and he thought himself perfectly capable of making his own decisions, thanks. Besides, it wasn't as if they weren't aware of how stubborn he was – he would never take advice if he didn't believe he should take it, no matter how good or right it may be for him.

He picked up the glass in front of him and, after giving it a look of consideration, chose not to drain his cup. Instead, Eren started tilting the glass to the left, and then to the right to observe the way the amber substance sloshed about.  _Then,_ he pressed the rim of the cup to his lips and took a huge gulp of the beer, rolling it around his tongue, allowing its vileness to stain him, before swallowing it.

He had never liked beer. He hated the tangy taste of it and the uncomfortable fizz as it lunged down his throat. But recently, he found that he quite enjoyed the mind-numbing qualities being drunk provided.

He didn't want to answer Jean but knew that if he did, the other boy would let him off for the day.

Still holding the cup in his hand, he uttered a simple, "Nothing."

"You're holding onto nothing?"

Eren stayed silent as he, finally, downed the beer.

Just because he didn't give Jean a proper answer doesn't mean he hadn't formulated a proper answer in his head. He knew what his reply would've been, if he had given it. He knew he would launch into a discussion on ropes and go deep into the analysis of the rope-metaphor and parallel his relationship with Levi to, not frayed ends, but barely-there threads.

Once upon a time, a certain Eren Jaeger might've done just that.

He knew better now.

Talk was useless. Metaphors and analysis was shit. Everything was nothing without action. And action he couldn't accomplish with Jean. For action, he needed Levi beside him. Since the older man was obviously unavailable, what's the point of engaging in futile discussions with Jean?

They continued drinking in silence with Jean stealing worried glances every once in a while. He was worried, of course, but he wasn't worried enough to drop his pride for the dumbass and explicitly express his concern.

Although Eren would be doing something different every time Jean turned to look – ranging from drinking to checking his phone to whatever other mindless activity Eren had thought up to keep him occupied and give him a legitimate excuse to avoid Jean's questions – one thing remained unchanged.

Eren slouched with fatigue.

The boy was tired. Very,  _very_  tired.

**

"Why did you drink so much if you knew you couldn't handle it?" Jean cried in frustration as he adjusted the arm Eren had around his back.

The other boy mumbled something unintelligible – probably something along the lines of him not being drunk – which Jean wisely chose to ignore.

Jean walked the both of them to his car, thankful that the parking lot wasn't too far away, and threw Eren into the passenger seat once he managed to unlock the vehicle.

Jean's "stupid and idiotic" friend ( _was that even the appropriate word for our relationship_ , Jean mused) immediately proceeded to position himself comfortably before drifting off to sleep. He wouldn't wake even when Jean shook him, quite violently, after they arrived in front of Levi's house.

After a while, Jean gave up and got out of his car, went over to Eren's side to open his door, and hoisted him up, but not before emphasizing his reluctance with an audible groan. He rummaged through Eren's pockets for the key without a shred of shame because all the boys from their batch had gotten touchier than this – come on. After all, touching each others' privates was their main form of bonding back in high school.

A triumphant grin lit up Jean's face when his palms closed around something metallic and cool to the touch. He inserted the key into its respective space in the door knob and was glad when it clicked perfectly and he was able to turn the knob and enter Levi's, and currently also Eren's, house.

He continued dragging the boy with him until he reached a couch, onto which he roughly dumped Eren onto. He was a bit annoyed at having to leave Eren at this emotionally-desolated place, but, Jean sighed, since nothing he said would make any difference to Eren, if he chose to live here, then so be it.

Jean was about to leave – it was getting late and he'd like to catch some actual sleep before work – when a surprisingly out-of-character thought struck him: it was rather chilly and with Eren's light clothing, he would probably freeze his ass off if Jean left him like that.

Wondering why he was even doing this, Jean walked up the stairs into Eren's room and grabbed the quilt off his bed. He threw it atop Eren on his way out.

**

Eren was on the roof with Levi. Everything was a blur and the details didn't feel quite right to his senses, but everything also felt perfect at the same time.

The bench they sat on seemed twisted, curved just right to fit Eren and Levi's figures.

Levi said something – Eren saw his mouth moving, seemed to know, on a deeper level of his being, what he said, but he didn't know exactly what he said.

It was a happy thing, though, because Eren was laughing and then suddenly, Levi was smiling too and it was the first time Eren had seen that expression on his face and god, he wished it would remain on there for a while.

Then, Levi got up to leave. Eren felt like watching the sky for a bit longer, so he said he would stay.

Levi nodded and pushed open the door to the stairs leading downstairs, but not before saying something completely foerign.

" _I love you._ "

 

**seven.**

Eren woke up with a start.

For a splitting, heart-thudding moment, he couldn't remember where he was and how he got to wherever he was and why he was at wherever he was. Suddenly, as if someone had unveiled the haziness that waking up brought about, he realized where he was (living room couch), how he got to the living room couch (Jean must've carried him from the car) and why he was on his living room couch (he was too dead to climb a flight of stairs and sleep in his bedroom).

However, why there was a blanket draped over him still didn't register with his memory. He didn't remember placing one over himself. After all, if he had managed to grab the blanket located way over in his room, why would he still have slept on his couch?

And then he remembered he wasn't technically in  _his_  house but rather he was in Levi's house and being in Levi's house meant living with Levi and living with Levi meant that there could've been one and only one possible way the blanket had came to be.

It was Levi's doing.

The fact that such a simple gesture had Eren beaming and stuffed with warmth made him wonder just how screwed he is.

**

There was only one place to frequent to find Levi, and that was the roof. He was always up there – smoking the occasional cigarette and boring his eyes through the sky with a significant look on his face, one that Eren never quite understood. The man had even set up a bench up there for just so he could indulge himself in his love for sky-gazing.

The door to the roof swung open and revealed a disheveled Eren – hair still uncombed and shirt creased like there was no tomorrow. An adoring smile popped on the corner of his lips as he saw that, indeed, Levi was hanging out on the roof.

Eren approached the older man, blanket in tow.

"You'll catch a cold like that," Eren murmured when he was within hearing distance.

Only silence replied him, but he was used to that by now. Instead of getting upset, or responding otherwise, to the lack of response, Eren sat himself down beside Levi and wrapped the both of them in the blanket Levi had so kindly provided him with.

"Thanks for this," Eren gestured at the blanket.

Again, there was no verbal reply. However, this time, Eren could see the unspoken message swimming about Levi's actually very expressive eyes.  _Your welcome_ , they seemed to say.

Levi could guess what was going on and, well, he thought it would be kinder for the boy to be ignorant of the truth.

The younger boy huddled the bundle of cloth closer to himself and Levi, effectively pulling Levi closer. Levi gave an elegant snort at that – a huff of air violently exhaled through the nose.

The weather was beautiful today. The sun shone but didn't glare; it was breezy yet not windy; the clouds gathered in petty little cliques and allowed blue to spill through the gaps and the air around them hummed with contentment.

The weather, Eren thought, was like Levi today.

Well, not precisely like Levi, to the seventh significant figure  _like Levi_ , no. Levi was a level of perfect a bit higher than the weather (maybe a little more than a bit and definitely a lot more than Eren would like to admit).

Yes, Levi was proud and aggressive and stubborn. Yes, Levi could be a pain in the ass and yes, he did have some rather obsessive hygienic standards and he loved to take his sadness out on Eren and his unfiltered words might be too insulting at times and there were more, lots more, a never ending list more of flaws that Levi possessed that Eren would not be able to excuse. But Levi was also smart and snarky and fiercely loyal, to a fault. Levi was more understanding than he let on. Levi was, even in his depression, a source of happiness for Eren. Levi was a diamond chipped in several places that Eren chanced on and Eren's heart couldn't help but break for Levi when his eyes lingered on a mark on the couch or a counter in the kitchen or a souvenir from another country because as much as Eren loved to pretend he didn't understand the cause for Levi's absentmindedness, he  _knew_  all along what, or rather who, Levi was thinking of when his eyes glazed over and yet, still, Eren couldn't stop himself from tumbling headfirst into this relationship of ropes and frayed ends and barely-there threads and sometimes even nothings. He thought of his dream and Levi's words, as the dream faded and reality settled in, and the words were just clawing at his gums now, rattling against his lips and slamming themselves against his mouth in hopes of getting out and " _I love you_ ," Eren blurted out, without thought, with the remains of alcohol in his system, with the whole of his being.

He was facing Levi but Levi wasn't facing him - didn't even quirk his head to Eren's side to indicate that he had heard Eren's abrupt confession. Eren realized he hadn't been expecting an answer. He didn't know what to feel about that.

The sun, a blinding, orange dot in the distance, was still shining. The wind was still blowing gently across their skin and through their hair. The clouds still floated. The air was still pleasant. The rooftop was still Eren's preferred place for confessions, it seemed. Everything remained still for a while.

And then Levi uttered a "Thank you".

Even though that wasn't exactly what one would want to hear after a confession, Eren said "Your welcome," even as he blinked away tears.

(Because Eren understood. He understood that Levi's heart would always be with Erwin, so a  _thank you_  more than sufficed).

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my goddd. Half the time I didn't even know what I was writing. I mean, yes, I had plot points planned out but the dialogue and flesh and bones- pfft. All I knew was that I needed to get some riren out of my system. Well, anyways, if you managed to get through that, I hope you enjoyed it. Here, TAKE ALL MY LOVE.
> 
> Also, sorry for portraying Levi as a constantly angry person (ring any bells??) towards the end. Apparently depression does that to males. Or so the internet tells me.


End file.
